If you know me, you'll know I ever-so-badly want to become a mother.
Besides the fact that I've been happily married for 6 years
and I'm in my early 30's
I have an internal inner-most desire to have a baby.
Like right now.
Call it motherly instinct. Call it hormones. Call it a midlife crisis or whatever...
But it's strong and it's there, screaming at me to step into the next realm of my womanhood, to cross that barrier and see what's on the other side..
To love and give and nurture and support and teach and believe in my child..
To watch them grow and learn from them....
To see life through their brand new eyes, in new perspectives....
with the awe and wonder they experience...
To have the messy house with the Lego toys to step on and the banana coated fingers that pull my hair...
All of it calls to me.
Every little bit.
Good, bad, ugly and joyous.
I want it all.
It seems to be my reason.
My path leads me there always.
No matter what direction my life takes, motherhood is a requirement in it.
And I have yearned for this in my life for a few years now, but we just weren't "ready" (whatever that means, really?). We were scared of the change, of the responsibility, of not doing it "right," or not having what we "need." Honestly, as a couple, we weren't all the way there yet, but I was.
I was ready for anything.
And then, all the sudden.... Green lights started to shine.
It was time to start to try, really, truly, try for a baby. This was it. This could really be it. After years of wishing and wondering "what if" we were on the same path... We were ready to be parents, together. We would take the unknown parts, the scary parts, the uncertainties and brush them aside to replace them with FAITH in us.
We found out we were pregnant at the end of May! I was pretty early on in my pregnancy. We were elated with shock, joy... all the emotions coming at once!
Most of all, we were excited.... I mean, this was IT!
We naturally told family as soon as we spoke to them, blurting out our exciting news, receiving the congratulating hugs and smiles along the way. Everyone was stoked. The family had recently took a blow, loosing my husband's father to cancer a few months earlier, so this news...our news... was welcomed and perfectly needed.
I documented everything. My first time noticing I had to pee every half hour.... My nausea.... My constant naps.... Doctor appointments and lists of what I can or cannot do, what not to eat, how much to exercise...etc... I read books, I bought books... I watched videos and learned as much as I could about pregnancy and labor....
I was in the mamma ZONE.
Our first appointment was at 9 weeks along. My husband had taken time to come with me. We were like two little kids, laughing, joking and being super silly together, full of excitement. We went through the typical education, questionnaire and exams... They drew six vials of blood to test for all kinds of random things....
We brought home a book and folder full of "what to know's" to study. Later that day I had a scheduled ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was, and I was sooo excited to see our little peanut!
My husband had to get to work, so I went to the ultrasound appointment by myself. While in the ultrasound the technician was extremely quiet and I thought it was strange she didn't point out the heartbeat for me.
After she was done the screen left on her computer read "6wks2d." I found myself staring at that screen, reading those numbers over and over in my mind... "But I'm 9 weeks along," I thought.... The technician saw me stare and closed down the screen, telling me a nurse would be in to tell me the results shortly....
This is when I knew something was wrong.
I felt that internal ping.
Everything in my mind was telling me to deny the feeling, but I couldn't....
The nurse confirmed that the baby stopped developing at around 6 weeks along and that the heart beat never started to beat. I was going to have a miscarriage...
Let me tell you, the strength of denial.... It can be unbreakable.
It's a shield protecting the truth. The strongest shield I've ever experienced.
I never felt denial like this before. There must be something wrong, this could not be reality.... I must be having a terrible dream. Do the test again. It will be different. There must be some other test?
I could not believe it. I literally could not mentally believe it.
The nurse placed her hand on my knee and gently asked if I needed some time... If I needed to call someone...."How are you feeling about this news?"
This is when denial took a step back.... Reality started to sink in....
ever so slightly.
FUCK
Besides the fact that I've been happily married for 6 years
and I'm in my early 30's
I have an internal inner-most desire to have a baby.
Like right now.
Call it motherly instinct. Call it hormones. Call it a midlife crisis or whatever...
But it's strong and it's there, screaming at me to step into the next realm of my womanhood, to cross that barrier and see what's on the other side..
To love and give and nurture and support and teach and believe in my child..
To watch them grow and learn from them....
To see life through their brand new eyes, in new perspectives....
with the awe and wonder they experience...
To have the messy house with the Lego toys to step on and the banana coated fingers that pull my hair...
All of it calls to me.
Every little bit.
Good, bad, ugly and joyous.
I want it all.
It seems to be my reason.
My path leads me there always.
No matter what direction my life takes, motherhood is a requirement in it.
And I have yearned for this in my life for a few years now, but we just weren't "ready" (whatever that means, really?). We were scared of the change, of the responsibility, of not doing it "right," or not having what we "need." Honestly, as a couple, we weren't all the way there yet, but I was.
I was ready for anything.
And then, all the sudden.... Green lights started to shine.
It was time to start to try, really, truly, try for a baby. This was it. This could really be it. After years of wishing and wondering "what if" we were on the same path... We were ready to be parents, together. We would take the unknown parts, the scary parts, the uncertainties and brush them aside to replace them with FAITH in us.
We found out we were pregnant at the end of May! I was pretty early on in my pregnancy. We were elated with shock, joy... all the emotions coming at once!
Most of all, we were excited.... I mean, this was IT!
We naturally told family as soon as we spoke to them, blurting out our exciting news, receiving the congratulating hugs and smiles along the way. Everyone was stoked. The family had recently took a blow, loosing my husband's father to cancer a few months earlier, so this news...our news... was welcomed and perfectly needed.
I documented everything. My first time noticing I had to pee every half hour.... My nausea.... My constant naps.... Doctor appointments and lists of what I can or cannot do, what not to eat, how much to exercise...etc... I read books, I bought books... I watched videos and learned as much as I could about pregnancy and labor....
I was in the mamma ZONE.
Our first appointment was at 9 weeks along. My husband had taken time to come with me. We were like two little kids, laughing, joking and being super silly together, full of excitement. We went through the typical education, questionnaire and exams... They drew six vials of blood to test for all kinds of random things....
We brought home a book and folder full of "what to know's" to study. Later that day I had a scheduled ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was, and I was sooo excited to see our little peanut!
My husband had to get to work, so I went to the ultrasound appointment by myself. While in the ultrasound the technician was extremely quiet and I thought it was strange she didn't point out the heartbeat for me.
After she was done the screen left on her computer read "6wks2d." I found myself staring at that screen, reading those numbers over and over in my mind... "But I'm 9 weeks along," I thought.... The technician saw me stare and closed down the screen, telling me a nurse would be in to tell me the results shortly....
This is when I knew something was wrong.
I felt that internal ping.
Everything in my mind was telling me to deny the feeling, but I couldn't....
The nurse confirmed that the baby stopped developing at around 6 weeks along and that the heart beat never started to beat. I was going to have a miscarriage...
Let me tell you, the strength of denial.... It can be unbreakable.
It's a shield protecting the truth. The strongest shield I've ever experienced.
I never felt denial like this before. There must be something wrong, this could not be reality.... I must be having a terrible dream. Do the test again. It will be different. There must be some other test?
I could not believe it. I literally could not mentally believe it.
The nurse placed her hand on my knee and gently asked if I needed some time... If I needed to call someone...."How are you feeling about this news?"
This is when denial took a step back.... Reality started to sink in....
ever so slightly.
FUCK
My husband was expecting a ultrasound image in my hands when I got home, but I gave him tears. It was the hardest thing to do, to tell him his child is gone... I was the first one to tell him his father passed, and now I had to tell him this.
My heart broke that day, I'm sure of it...
How do you comfort your loved one when you need comfort yourself?
The days passed and as time lead to no changes in the way I physically felt, I decided to go forward with the surgery to end the waiting game. I knew I would be traumatized by letting the miscarriage go naturally, and honestly, I was afraid of what kind of impact that would have on my physche. I went through with the D&C procedure last Wednesday.
It's now over. It's now done.
The procedure was a whole different experience that I wouldn't necessarily call fun, but I know everyone has different feelings about any surgery based on their own personal beliefs and situations... Luckily working in the healthcare field has helped me be less sensitive to the environment of a hospital. It was not my favorite day. I was terrified to be put to sleep, under the control of strangers who had my life in their hands (I guess I still hold some sensitivity)... The healing process afterward also, not so fun. I just wanted to be normal again. I wanted to forget everything and start a new page. I was frustrated and felt like I somehow failed.
I didn't fail.
I survived a horrible tragedy.
I made a decision I'm thankful for, one which was right for me. I took care of myself in that way....
No, I don't have answers to why these things happen.
No, I don't understand. I never will.
No, I did nothing wrong. I did not ask for this and I did not deserve it. My baby did not deserve it....
But I have to stay strong to my core belief that things happen for a reason. You may not believe that, some people don't. But I DO.
I believe that I had to have this experience in order to get to the next one.
This tragic ending is not our ending. We are going to try again....
This event was only part of our story.
We went camping over the weekend. Something I love to do - be with nature and feel the sun, water and air... Have a bonfire and watch the sun setting....
As I gazed at the stars last night, watching the flickering of their lights, I thought.....
"Someday I'm going to see a flicker in my own star. Someday I'm going to see my baby's heart beating so strong that it will be like an exclamation for life, that nothing can destroy."
To be continued.................................................
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