If you know me, you'll know I ever-so-badly want to become a mother.



Besides the fact that I've been happily married for 6 years 

and I'm in my early 30's

I have an internal inner-most desire to have a baby.

Like right now.



Call it motherly instinct. Call it hormones. Call it a midlife crisis or whatever... 
But it's strong and it's there, screaming at me to step into the next realm of my womanhood, to cross that barrier and see what's on the other side..


To love and give and nurture and support and teach and believe in my child.. 


To watch them grow and learn from them.... 


To see life through their brand new eyes, in new perspectives....
with the awe and wonder they experience...


To have the messy house with the Lego toys to step on and the banana coated fingers that pull my hair... 


All of it calls to me.
Every little bit. 
Good, bad, ugly and joyous. 


I want it all. 









It seems to be my reason. 

My path leads me there always. 

No matter what direction my life takes, motherhood is a requirement in it. 




And I have yearned for this in my life for a few years now, but we just weren't "ready" (whatever that means, really?). We were scared of the change, of the responsibility, of not doing it "right," or not having what we "need." Honestly, as a couple, we weren't all the way there yet, but I was. 

I was ready for anything. 



And then, all the sudden.... Green lights started to shine. 

It was time to start to try, really, truly, try for a baby. This was it. This could really be it. After years of wishing and wondering "what if" we were on the same path... We were ready to be parents, together. We would take the unknown parts, the scary parts, the uncertainties and brush them aside to replace them with FAITH in us. 

We found out we were pregnant at the end of May! I was pretty early on in my pregnancy. We were elated with shock, joy... all the emotions coming at once! 

Most of all, we were excited.... I mean, this was IT!




We naturally told family as soon as we spoke to them, blurting out our exciting news, receiving the congratulating hugs and smiles along the way. Everyone was stoked. The family had recently took a blow, loosing my husband's father to cancer a few months earlier, so this news...our news... was welcomed and perfectly needed.

I documented everything. My first time noticing I had to pee every half hour.... My nausea.... My constant naps.... Doctor appointments and lists of what I can or cannot do, what not to eat, how much to exercise...etc... I read books, I bought books... I watched videos and learned as much as I could about pregnancy and labor.... 

I was in the mamma ZONE.




Our first appointment was at 9 weeks along. My husband had taken time to come with me. We were like two little kids, laughing, joking and being super silly together, full of excitement. We went through the typical education, questionnaire and exams... They drew six vials of blood to test for all kinds of random things....

We brought home a book and folder full of "what to know's" to study. Later that day I had a scheduled ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was, and I was sooo excited to see our little peanut!

My husband had to get to work, so I went to the ultrasound appointment by myself. While in the ultrasound the technician was extremely quiet and I thought it was strange she didn't point out the heartbeat for me. 

After she was done the screen left on her computer read "6wks2d." I found myself staring at that screen, reading those numbers over and over in my mind... "But I'm 9 weeks along," I thought.... The technician saw me stare and closed down the screen, telling me a nurse would be in to tell me the results shortly....





This is when I knew something was wrong.

I felt that internal ping. 

Everything in my mind was telling me to deny the feeling, but I couldn't....





The nurse confirmed that the baby stopped developing at around 6 weeks along and that the heart beat never started to beat. I was going to have a miscarriage...






Let me tell you, the strength of denial.... It can be unbreakable.

It's a shield protecting the truth. The strongest shield I've ever experienced.




I never felt denial like this before. There must be something wrong, this could not be reality.... I must be having a terrible dream. Do the test again. It will be different. There must be some other test? 

I could not believe it. I literally could not mentally believe it. 





The nurse placed her hand on my knee and gently asked if I needed some time... If I needed to call someone...."How are you feeling about this news?" 

This is when denial took a step back.... Reality started to sink in.... 

ever so slightly.

FUCK

My husband was expecting a ultrasound image in my hands when I got home, but I gave him tears. It was the hardest thing to do, to tell him his child is gone... I was the first one to tell him his father passed, and now I had to tell him this. 

My heart broke that day, I'm sure of it... 

How do you comfort your loved one when you need comfort yourself?





The days passed and as time lead to no changes in the way I physically felt, I decided to go forward with the surgery to end the waiting game. I knew I would be traumatized by letting the miscarriage go naturally, and honestly, I was afraid of what kind of impact that would have on my physche. I went through with the D&C procedure last Wednesday. 

It's now over. It's now done. 


The procedure was a whole different experience that I wouldn't necessarily call fun, but I know everyone has different feelings about any surgery based on their own personal beliefs and situations... Luckily working in the healthcare field has helped me be less sensitive to the environment of a hospital. It was not my favorite day. I was terrified to be put to sleep, under the control of strangers who had my life in their hands (I guess I still hold some sensitivity)... The healing process afterward also, not so fun. I just wanted to be normal again. I wanted to forget everything and start a new page. I was frustrated and felt like I somehow failed.


I didn't fail. 

I survived a horrible tragedy.

I made a decision I'm thankful for, one which was right for me. I took care of myself in that way....




No, I don't have answers to why these things happen. 

No, I don't understand. I never will. 

No, I did nothing wrong. I did not ask for this and I did not deserve it. My baby did not deserve it....




But I have to stay strong to my core belief that things happen for a reason. You may not believe that, some people don't. But I DO.

I believe that I had to have this experience in order to get to the next one. 
This tragic ending is not our ending. We are going to try again.... 

This event was only part of our story.



We went camping over the weekend. Something I love to do - be with nature and feel the sun, water and air... Have a bonfire and watch the sun setting....

As I gazed at the stars last night, watching the flickering of their lights, I thought.....


 "Someday I'm going to see a flicker in my own star. Someday I'm going to see my baby's heart beating so strong that it will be like an exclamation for life, that nothing can destroy."







To be continued.................................................

Merry Imbolc everyone! 
Below is a little day-in-the-life with me and my dog, Dahlia, having fun on the ice & snow!

(Above: photo outside my backyard of the pigeons cuddling together to stay warm this winter)

Well, I apologize for being so absent lately! I'm back, I'm here and I'm ready!


There has been buckets of things for me to do lately. Things that seem to steal my attention + then I seem to be transported into some fairy ring, where months + months fly by in seconds. How does that happen!? hehe

Staying busy is something I just do, it's part of who I am. Staying busy, accomplishing tasks + projects leaves me with a sense of fulfillment + productivity. And we need that to keep us motivated, feeling we have a purpose + to move towards our goals in the future.

I've been busy living life! Working, taking care of myself, learning new ways in which I connect in this world, through meditation + teachings. Lots of moon-gazing + nature walks in the snow... so much to dive into, learn + grow.

I've been busy learning the new world of being a meaning-filled, compassionate + self loving vegan. 
This adventure has been newly added into my life, or rather discovered by looking within + realizing what truly feels right to me personally, what follows in line with my values, my beliefs. And let me tell you, it's been an amazing transformation filled with empowerment, a deep sense of gratitude + love for this world's inhabitants, and has brought me so much closer to the root of who I am. Peeling that onion layer by layer to discover more + more. 

I've been buy writing, introspecting on the past + learning how to let go let go let go... 
This journey of letting go? It's exhausting. It's time consuming. It's necessary + it's grand.

Babysitting. Training for an triathlon. Kissing my husband... 
Oh, and there's so much more. 

But focusing on what's most important is the tough part. Often I find myself washing dishes at 11pm when I should be in bed catching up on much needed beauty sleep. Ugh. But those dishes ain't gonna wash themselves... 

I was recently in a car crash, a hit and run, leaving me with a confused sense of anger + disappointment in the nature of humans. How can someone literally hit you, set off air bags, damage a car to the point it's no longer drive-a-ble, and simply drive away, going on with their day as if it doesn't even matter? It has been a frustrating week with these thoughts circling in my head, besides trying to figure out how to get transportation in my daily life. 

Even though I have a right to be angry, upset + confused by the actions of this person who hit me, I know the festering will not help the situation. Most suffering comes from the thinking/worrying about the situation rather than the situation in itself.

I have control over how I react. I chose to not suffer. 

So I take the city bus + have a bus adventure daily. I am learning a new way to adjust, to get by, to live without the car I relied on so much. Now I must plan out my day far in advance, dress according to the weather in layers + layers. Now I get to listen to my I POD music while someone drives me home. Now I get to become more connected with my fellow city peoples. Now I don't have to worry about parking, or getting hit by another car :D Now I get to learn the what-to-do's in the process of getting my car fixed. New experience = learning. 

It will be a process, but in the end I hopefully will be laughing at the situation + remember the bus adventure time of my life.

Trying to find the reason this happened to me? 


What was the hidden message in it?


What am I supposed to learn from this?

Well, maybe there's no message. Maybe I'm just riding the river of life + going through another new experience. That's it. That's all. That's enough. 

Because life is just that: unpredictable + confusing.

But it's also wonderful + grand + joy-filled in the little moments + extraordinary. 

"Be a Lamp, or a Lifeboat, or a Ladder.

Help someone's soul heal.

Walk out of your house like a Shepherd."

~Rumi~
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I often forget that I'm not alone on this Earth. The struggles & stumblings I encounter have been experienced by many others before me and will be experienced by many others after me. In fact, at this very moment, it is possible that there are multiple people experiencing hardships and frustrations at the same time, miles or oceans apart.

Perhaps you too, feel alone sometimes. As if you're the "ONLY ONE" and no one else could ever understand. Is this really true? Out of the millions of people living on Earth, can there really be no one out there that has never gone through what you're going through? Or no one who, at the least, understands?

Loneliness, used as a punishment throughout history as Solitary Confinement, has tremendous torturous affect on an individual. The negative impact on a person's mental state has been proven. This confinement has been described as  "virtual incubators of psychoses—seeding illness in otherwise healthy inmates and exacerbating illness in those already suffering from mental infirmities." Yet even these individuals are not truly alone. There are numerous inmates in Solitary Confinement all over the world, together, but separated in walls of darkness. Does this make the experience any less difficult?

I imagine myself in my self induced Solitary Confinement, all the while in the comfort of my home. I can feel out of touch with the world, with family or community, simply because I won't go out and interact with others. Today's day in age we are equipped with an assortment of ways to connect to others and with others from any area of the world, by a simple sequence of buttons we push. But why, then, do we sometimes still feel alone-ness? How can this be? Is it possible that the abundance of connection possibilities is actually driving us more into feeling alone?

I need my alone time. In fact, I thrive on the quiet, peace and solitude I soak in. But I would go insane without interaction from others, this too, being a necessity. In the recent years I have begun to take relationships with others more seriously, recognizing the importance they play in my life and others lives around me. I have reached out in ways I never thought I would, such as joining a woman's circle group online and starting up a business with my husband. This connection to others is Sacred and something to place at the forefront of a "healthy life" along with exercise, nutrition and mental health. Connection is magical and the resources we have accessible to us, such as the world wide web, provides an abundant blessing to us!

Putting yourself "out there" is the first step and possibly the most difficult, because it includes all the scary things like judgement, first impressions, encountering others energies and attitudes, etc... But it also comes with a waterfall of endless experience, yours and others that are shared with you.

When I was a little girl I was told that "anything is possible."

Those words were burnt on my brain and I took it very literally. Anything I dreamed of was possible. I wonder if anyone has walked on top of that bridge before? If anything is possible, than, Yes! I wonder if rabbits can fly? Yes!

I have to admit, I still think about this when I hear insanely interesting things that happen, and say to myself, "well of coarse that happened, anything is possible!"

It is possible you are NOT alone. It is possible that what you are feeling, what you're going through, struggling through, or soaring through... Someone out there is also experiencing right this moment!

That, to me, is a giant breath of relief. A warm hug from the Universe, telling me it is possible that all will be okay and we all will come out on the other side. You, my dear, are not alone. We are all Sacredly connected through water, air and over mountains.

Love & Light,

Janet

Growing Where Planted (GWP) came to mind by way of natural instinct. By this I mean, it just felt "right" and true to where I was at (or where I am, or where I'll be...) in my life...


Being the summer months now, I've been enjoying my outdoorsy activities, especially gardening.


I've even started a serious herbal collection that greet me everyday when coming home, perched upon the front deck's banisters whispering......

"Hey, you! Yes, you there! Smell me! Cook with me! Notice Me!!" ---- and I do!

I look to those herbs as a reminder of how if I can grow plants I surely can grow within myself.

If you too garden you know that the plants we grow all hold such power, such magic! When we get to witness them flourish from seed to sprout to bud to plant to produce. It amazes me how resilient they are and how courageous they are.

Direct inspiration from Momma Nature!

Recently, last week, where I live, we had a flash flood disaster strike our area; the most devastating of it's kind in the history of our city. Roads, homes, state parks, cars, trees and more were destroyed. My family was affected in a small way, but many others were not so lucky.

Through it all, plants, nature and we, as it's inhabitants, survived, pressing on.

I have been reading daily words of wisdom from an amazing book recommended to me, called "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, in which she highlights an area of a person's life, invoking deep, thoughtful, mind-blowing inner discoveries. Today I read one that left me breathless, literally....

You know, that feeling where words are speaking directly TO you, ABOUT you, like they are coming FROM you? A feeling of Ahhhhhhhhhhhh........ And YESssssssss!

Sarah explains the importance of repotting your precious plants so that their roots have rooooooom to grow, allowing fresh, nutrient-dense soil to aid in their life replenishment.
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Little tid-bit for you,and something I didn't know before: Plants need to be repotted every two years. Huh. I better get to it then because my poor plants are POT-BOUND!

____________________________________________________________________________________
But as lovely as the plant tips were, she dives deeper into the repotting process, stretching it beyond plants and into your own self... Here's an excerpt:

"We too, need to consider repotting for growth. But when? When we wilt even before the day begins. When we can't seem to visualize or dream. When we can't seem to remember the last time we laughed. When we have absolutely nothing in the next twenty-four hours to look forward to. When this happens, week in, week out, we need to realize that we're pot bound. We need to gently loosen the soil around our souls, find something that sparks our imagination, quickens our pulse, brings a smile or a giddy lilt to our conversations."

June 2012 has marked a historical natural disaster in the area I live in, that will forever be remembered. News reports of the flash flood that hit us all too hard and suddenly, came from all over the US. Some of our roads were washed away as the water found routes of escape, (as shown to the left). The pressure of the water caused uprooting of trees to be swept far away from their original grounding. Our precious State Parks are devastated, as well as our city's Zoo, which lost a dozen animals to drowning... It has been a crazy roller coaster of unbelievable chaos that Mother Nature has specifically put in our path.

I must say how thankful I am for not having to endure the pain of loosing precious items that you can't replace. I ride my bike (now that we only have the one vehicle) to work everyday and go past three homes, (Photos below) that were sitting under water for a week after the flood. The water line still shows on their siding. It's unbelievable to see the furniture, belongings and trees/branches that keep filling up in the dumpster outside their homes. No one has flood insurance around here, as our city resides on a hill! I pray that those affected, without homes and who have lost so much bounce back from this disaster with strength and determination to keep loving life after every up and down it gives.

As our city begins to assess the damages and plan to build and repair, we are not out of the clear completely. Future storms that are most likely going to happen this summer will bring on more rainfall and not allow the worst flooded areas to recede and dry. The mold damage, the algae and anything else that's under the standing water in people's basements, is just sitting there until the water goes down. It seems everyone is watching the weather lately. Rain is a scary forecast for some.


We are working on getting a new vehicle, but for now I'm having fun riding my bike to and from work everyday. I get to take different routes due to some road closings and see the construction crews working on the roadways... My husband has been driving my car and will pick me up sometimes, saying how much fun it is to be my driver
:)

This disaster has yes, been a disaster. But also it gives us an opportunity to see not only how powerful Mother Nature can be, but how precious our lives are. How in-disposable our belongings, our homes, our "things" can be. How the important things in life are really the people in our lives and the power of communities coming together to help and support one another. It's been a beautiful experience to see. It makes me excited for the future, the renovations of the places we love (like our parks) and gives me reassurance that we are strong survivors that can and will stand strong and pull through what's been washed away.

The BIG day....

Can you say......... HURRRRRRAY!!!!! YIPPIEE!!!! YES!!! and WHOLLY TOLITO!!!??

I DID IT!

13.1 miles of one-foot-in-front-of-the-other, "stompin' pavement" (as a friend says), good ol' time!

Yes, I did.

I'm a Finisher.

I'm a Radiant Running Rockstar!

:D

(ok, so can you tell I'm happy?!)

Before I begin to tell you how "race day" started, let me fill you in on the days leading up to, as this crazy journey unfolds.....

Training for this Half Marathon was not my best. Typically you start training 15 weeks out and the program I was using required me to run most days of that period, usually a minimum of 3 miles on average weekdays, longer runs (7-8 miles) on the weekends.

As you can imagine, this is a big time investment, not to mention the mental determination to get your running shoes on ev-rah-day!

My training started out with a bang, hitting the treadmill or pavement on schedule to get in those miles.

But about a month and a half out my motivation tanked.

"WTH?" I thought to myself over and over... I just didn't know why, but I wasn't feeling running, even with the nice Spring days and sunshine...

Then there was my lovely ankle injury, which you can read more about from my previous blog post on Limitations...

A few weeks back I excepted a extra shift at the hospital I work at, which meant I'd be working a double (7am - 1130pm) that day. I didn't put the dates together in my head, and turns out my double shift would be the day before my half marathon race! UGH!

Needless to say, I got through my double shift, went to bed by 1230pm-1am and my alarm broke my peaceful dreaming slumber at a wonderful 4:14 am... GOOD MORNING TO ME!

Feeling like a truck ran me over (even before the race!) I quickly got ready and scurried out the door, driving myself to the bus pick up area.

*The start of the race is blocked for traffic, so the only way to get to the start line is by bus*

Standing in front of the bus, I see other Half Marathoners lined up to board. Now I see a flashback of my bathroom... my BIB number (the number runners wear on their shirts), lying on the floor.....

I forgot my number. Bleepedy-Bleep-Bleep-BLEEEP!

How does one forget the most important thing to prove they're in the race??! Seems if it was going to happen to someone, it would be me!

BUT....

Lucky for me they didn't stop me from boarding the bus and once I sat down.....I thought, "WHEW...that was close!" BIG sigh of relief.

SO, that's how my morning started.... Now on to the RACE!

Me all lined up ready to go! ------------------------------------------------->

(This is after I had to wait in line for 40 minutes just to use the bathrooms!)

The race itself was really, really fun with the crowds cheering, dogs and kids watching us pass by, the endless amounts of water, poweraid, bananas, oranges and strawberries, and the great live music consisting of anything from piano, trumpet, chello to bagpipes! There were cow bells, lots of motivational posters and signs and photos being snapped everywhere. It truly feels like you're a super star out there!


Ready, Set.....GO!

Starting off, I was feeling good! Miles were rolling by, my ankle was feeling fine and I had my tunes blasting in my ear buds... Lady Ga Ga, Gorillaz and Sigur ros (LOVE)..

By mile marker 7 I was feeling progressively tired and mostly dehydrated with a dry mouth. Each water station I grabbed a drink and felt a boost of energy.


In the 11th mile I was feeding off the crowd's energy to keep me going. My ankle was sore, but more than that, my knee was giving me hassle. Perhaps favoring my ankle created the knee pain?



No matter, just keep on going!

No way was I going to stop now. "Shut yo mouth body and MOVE It!" :)



Crossing that finish line I was HAPPY and oh, so relieved to be done!

My knee at this point was screaming.
My body was all like "What are you trying to do here??! We need sleep dammit!"

After a volunteer put the medal around my neck, it all sunk in.....

I really did it!

This race has been more than a fun experience.

More than a challenge to overcome....

More than the bragging rights....





This race has been a journey of real triumph and beauty.






I've learned...

* NEVER doubt my ability to do ANYTHING.   Period.

* I am powerful, skillful and amazing.

* I am proud of myself, my body and my mind.

* I am SO grateful to my strong body for carrying me through till the end, even when it said no.

* I have a new sense of hope, clarity and can see endless possibilities for my future!

* Although the goal of completing the race is done, I feel it's actually just the beginning for me.

My next physical adventure will be the MuckRuckus this August!

MuckRuckus MS is an unforgettable two days of fun in the great outdoors featuring a 10K - 6.2 mile (with a 5K - 3.1 mile shortcut option) challenge-course through mud, water and muck! Teams and individuals slosh, swing, slip and slide 20-25 obstacles OOZING with muck!


MuckRuckus MS raises funds and awareness for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society!

I sit here writing this, my first blog entry, while one foot is wrapped in a bag of frozen peas. This is my curse, I've decided. An injured ankle and a frozen bag of vegetables are what I'm embracing right now. Why? Because I have no choice.

How did this happen?

This isn't my first injury, nor my last I'm sure. Only last year, I tore three ligaments in my left ankle while twisting it running a trail near my home. At that time I thought for sure it was broken. It was my first major injury that limited me from doing my daily activities. I am an avid regular exerciser, or at least attempt to be, running being one of the ways I "check out" mentally and regroup myself after a stressful day.

This time though, the right ankle is the culprit and I have no specific answers as to how I injured it. This is extremely frustrating, as you can imagine. What makes my situation worse is the fact that I'm running a 1/2 marathon in 8 days! Yes, that's right.

Although I'm not attempting to go for a time or pace goal this race, I do want to finish it, and ideally that would include being pain-free.

As any stubborn exerciser does, I admittedly have been ignoring this increasing annoyance in my ankle for a couple days and continued to exercise on it. (WTF!?) Hoping it would work itself out, I am now at a point that I know it's injured, it hurts and I'm not happy about it. Period.

But what good does it do to be miserable and grumpy about something you can't change?

What benefit comes from complaining or putting everything on hold?

We all deal with limits

Ok, so not everyone injures themselves physically, but we all do a bit of emotional damage to ourselves, to some extent, everyday.

-That inner critic that tells you you're not "good enough" - for what? for whom?
-That thought in your head telling you to give up and forget about a dream - if you don't try, you'll never know!
-That voice that tells you you need to look, act, be, say the "right things" - why not be yourself!?

All of these, (and more), are limitations we put on ourselves daily and when dealing with a physical limitation as well, these inner critical thoughts can become louder and more obnoxious!

Limitations are wonderful for the soul

As anyone knows, limitations are cruel. We don't want them. They seem to only be reminders of how we "can't" or "won't" do something. They are bad, negative and horrible.

But are they, really?

Going through the first ankle injury last year, I let that physical limitation control my life, emotionally as well. I felt down, depressed, helpless, hopeless and useless. I felt it happened to punish me for something I did wrong....

But as time went on I learned a valuable lesson from that ankle.

It was like a big sign in front of me that read: "It's time to lean into something new!"

That injury allowed me to step back from my day to day, to really SEE my life through eyes piercing through limits and PUSH THROUGH those limits. No, I didn't push my ankle physically, but emotionally I pushed my limits, my inner critical voice that was telling me I deserved to be injured, to be limited.

"NO," I told myself, "I deserve to be free. This limitation is only a reminder to look within, to grow and to see with clear eyes what truly matters and what does not. To decide what truly lifts me up and helps me and what is holding me back. "

I realized that my inner dialog was negative, unhelpful in my recovery and I saw that for what it was. I made a choice to take limitation as a gift. To use it to support my next move towards recovery.

Embracing the changes

We all experience different situations and go through waves of life circumstances that build who we are and where we're going. That is what limitations are; just another experience we go through.

They do not block us. They do not stop us in our tracks. But they are there to encourage change.

I see them not only as a challenge, but a chore. We must continue on, and if we are physically unable to, we are able to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially....As long as we are alive, we posses will and choice inside us to change.

To decide to change your thought process in a way that supports and nurtures you is like giving yourself a gift filled with truth!

My journey

Now that I'm faced with another ankle injury I see it in a different perspective. I am grateful for the reminder to step back, take it slow and focus on my total health.

I will take care not to make it worse, but I am determined to finish this race.

How will I get through this 1/2 marathon?

Well, I'm planning to listen to my body and have fun!!! Those are the two most important things to me. Not time, not pace, not winning (haha)... But respecting my body for going through this incredible journey, for allowing me to run and for letting me know when it needs me to stop limiting myself and just be free!